


"What's The Worst That Could Happen?"

by loosenoodlepoodledoodle



Series: The Dustbin of History [5]
Category: Political RPF - US 21st c.
Genre: Absurd, Gen, Parody, Worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:15:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26524327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loosenoodlepoodledoodle/pseuds/loosenoodlepoodledoodle
Summary: Exactly.
Series: The Dustbin of History [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2007061
Kudos: 12





	"What's The Worst That Could Happen?"

AOC flinched at the sparks produced as she struck the match. She lit the few candles in the room, illuminating the feeble old man sitting at the table. Streaks of tears had dried on his face, and in spite of her anger, she couldn’t help but feel sorry for him.

Finishing her task, she stood leaning against the wall across from him. After waiting a few moments, she grew impatient and cleared her throat. Joe Biden looked up.

For a longer time still, he couldn’t form words; his lips quivered weakly whenever he tried, and his eyes became watery again. Finally, he managed to speak.

“So…what the hell happened?”

AOC had to clear her mind, because she had started to drift off.

“Um, well…it’s like you predicted, Mr. Vice President—” she noticed how the old coot appreciated the title “—they stole the election.”

He looked at her, sad and expectantly, and she started at the beginning.

“They didn’t touch the purely red or blue states: those were all foregone conclusions. Instead they went all in on the swing states. Where they could, Barr sent his jack-booted thugs to seize boxes of mail-in ballots, but this didn’t happen very often. Usually he just dragged the counting process out with an eternity of frivolous lawsuits, and all those bastards McConnell put in the judiciary did his bidding.”

Biden nodded; this wasn’t exactly new information to him. AOC continued.

“More troubling was the occasional presence of poll watchers and even militias, who intimidated our voters in a number of key locations. Because the governors of those states were slow to act, the day was mostly over by the time National Guardsman were deployed to protect polling sites. This reduced turnout and elimination of ballots was enough to put Trump over the top.”

Biden coughed, and he wiped the bloody sputum away with his handkerchief. “Tell me about the protests,” said the old man. AOC sighed.

“Turnout was very strong, and unopposed in many locations. But most of the time, cops, militias, or irredeemable feds crushed dissent. This provoked more unrest, but with the election over, Trump had his people start shooting openly. Some patriotic groups managed to fight back, but they were just too outnumbered, especially once Trump mobilized the military.”

“This,” interjected Biden, “this is the part I don’t get. How could our troops follow such unconstitutional orders?”

AOC shrugged. “Some of them refused, but not enough. Those that did ended up in prison, or shipped overseas. The rest followed the generals, who tried to settle things by using Trump’s martial law order. Only the blue state governments were yet defiant, and their National Guards were no match…”

Old Joe began to weep. It broke AOC’s heart.

“Because Trump corrupts everything, the generals who pretended to go along with him were undermined by all the sycophants that surrounded him. He found out what had happened, and executed those generals in a purge. By this time, he was able to get his rubber-stamp Congress to change all the laws. There were enough state governments to amend the Constitution, too. And that’s how America ended.”

She stood there, listening to the old man’s sobs. When they finally died down, Biden had one last question.

“I still don’t understand: how did we end up down here?”

AOC raised her eyebrows. “Oh, you mean in this bunker? Well, the Earth was closer to the tipping point than we thought. Trump’s people outlawed all energy except coal, and that was it. We were toast.”

But Biden shook his head. “I meant, was there anything we could have done differently, to stop this tragedy?”

AOC bit her lip. She knew the answer, but as it was an indictment of the last man on Earth, she was reluctant to say it. Nothing mattered anymore, anyway.

“Um…” She took a deep breath. Probably one of her last. Not that either of them knew it.

“Before they were all shot, Democratic party analysts issued a report saying that if we had won Florida, that would have been enough to undermine Trump’s claims. And while there was plenty of action down there, there was one group of voters who sat out the election, and they would normally be expected to vote Democrat, and…we failed to mobilize them.”

Biden blinked, slowly. “Who were they?”

“Puerto Ricans. Specifically the ones who had arrived as hurricane refugees.” _And I warned people about this,_ she thought bitterly.

Biden blinked again, faster this time. “Aw shucks,” was his weak reply.

AOC stood up straight, and stretched her arms. “I’ll be in my room. See you at dinner.” And she left Sad Old Joe by himself at that table, looking pitiful.

Her room wasn’t that bad. A little small, maybe, but whoever had owned this doomsday bunker had left it well equipped. They had food and water to last weeks, and there were plenty of books, movies, and video games to keep her occupied, at least. Plus there was a nice stash of porn to tide her over until the oxygen ran out. Which unfortunately for her, was quite imminent.

Outside the blast doors, a dark cloud was accumulating. The stupid had burst forth from the brains of Trump and his MAGAs, and their polluting cloud had seeped into everything. Plants (those that had not yet burned) tried growing at night. Animals ate rocks and their own shit. And Trump’s remaining cucks all tried to cure their innumerable venereal diseases by deliberately spreading them to one another. As they slowly starved to death, on account of the Earth having become the bastard stepchild of Venus, their inbred evil spirits seeped out into one cloying, dark miasma. And now AOC was the last living woman on Earth, and Joe Biden the last man.

The miasma had a voice. “I’ve found it!” they chanted, knocking on the bunker door. And even thought they were a collective stupidity, they would never say ‘we’ under any circumstances. “It’s right where Q said it would be!” but of course Q was long dead, and had probably been Bill Barr the whole time.

The miasma pounded stupidly on the door, but they had not the strength to move it. Instead, they burned away at it like acid, seeping through the edges, convincing the metal atoms that they were actually a gas. Old Joe was still sitting there crying when the miasma absorbed him, but AOC would not be so easy to kill. It found her very busy in her room, and the sight of her blew the minds of all the insipid dumb-dumbs. The good souls trapped by the MAGAs regained their senses long enough to take on the evil ones, and because this country is inexplicably split almost down the middle politically, the two sides annihilated each other. AOC was left on her own; she shut the bunker door again, refreshed the air supply, and settled down to leave the only legacy humanity had left to give: really hot selfies.

A million years later, aliens would find her collection and resurrect AOC as one of their living deities—‘cause she be _dayum_ fine, yo…


End file.
